Personal Stories – Divorce and My Kids

My husband and I were both separated and getting divorced when we first met. We each had children from our previous marriages; he had 2 and I had 1. We have had many discussions about the processes we each went through in our previous marriages to reach the decision to end those marriages. We will share some things we believe are important for people to consider who are contemplating separation and divorce. Free Stock photos by Vecteezy Determine whether the marriage is salvageable Free Stock photos by Vecteezy It is important that you ensure you have tried everything you can to support the decision you make. There are a number of things you can do to assist in this process, if you haven’t already done them: Marriage counselling: Speaking to a counsellor who specialises in marriage/couple counselling is a good step to take. This gives you both the opportunity to have a third person who is not emotionally or personally involved with either of you, listen to each person’s perspectives. They may be able to assist to identify where things are at a standstill or at loggerheads in your marriage. It may also be found that needs and/or wants are not being clearly communicated. In many cases, lack of communication or miscommunication are found to be very common issues in marriage. Learning new tools about how to communicate more clearly can make a world of difference if put into practice. It is important to know, if you have been married less than two years when the separation occurred, you may be required to attend counselling to explore the possibility of reconciliation. Individual counselling: Having the opportunity to speak with someone who is not emotionally or personally attached to you may also be helpful. If you are able to find the right counsellor, they may be able to assist you to explore a range of areas about yourself. I had been to a number of counsellors before I was able to find someone who was able to help me really think about my situation. They didn’t give me the answers (which some people believe that’s what counsellors are meant to do), she asked me questions to help me to clarify my thoughts, which assisted in me making decisions that, even though they were very difficult to make, I was able to make confidently. Discuss with friends and family: Discussing the situation with people whom you trust, but only those who, when you think about speaking with them about the situation, you are not worried about whether they will judge you, can be very helpful. However, you must keep in mind that they may not be able to be objective like a counsellor. As they care for and love you, they may not want to hurt you in any way. This may prevent them from being able to be completely honest with you regarding their thoughts about the situation. If you have family or friends who are married, they might be willing to share some of the struggles they have experienced, and how they may have overcome them. Writing journal entries: It can be very helpful to get thoughts out of your head and onto paper. Sometimes, thoughts spinning around your head can manifest into anxiety and other things. Writing those thoughts down is one way to get them out of your head. By writing them down, you allow yourself not to have to hang onto those thoughts. You can always go back and read them later to analyse them and make sense of what you were thinking. A little process I like to use is writing about a situation; detailing what actually happened, and then what I could have done differently. We need to remember, we cannot change anyone but ourselves. So objectively thinking about how we can do things differently (and then trying to make sure our behaviour changes in future similar situations) can assist in problem solving. Write pros & cons lists: As part of your journal writing, you might want to consider doing an entry that focuses on the good/bad of “If i stay pros & cons” and another list of the good/bad of “if I go pros & cons”. To do this properly, it is important to try to be as objective as you can. If you have children, maybe you might even consider writing a pros & cons list from their perspective (not having the chat about it with them. Just you completing the list on your own, from their perspective). If you are able to genuinely be objective, this whole process can be a big eye opener. Think about what the best arrangement might be for the children Free Stock photos by Vecteezy It is important to remember that you both love your children. The other parent may not always agree, especially if they are not the primary carer. Arguments may occur due to child support obligations, and the non-custodial parent may protest, even if a 70/30 arrangement is what is best for the child. Is 50/50 always best? When it comes to the children, parents often think about their right to see the children. We know that it is important for children, and children have the right, to have a meaningful relationship with both parents. Parents need to always keep in mind their children’s best interests. If there are safety concerns, supervised visits are an option to consider, to ensure children are still able to maintain a relationship with both parents. Once the marriage has ended, depending on the children’s age and maturity, it is worth including the children’s thoughts and wants when coming to decisions about custody. For a few years, my husband had a 50/50 custody arrangement with his ex-wife regarding their two children. During a visit with their paternal grandparents, one of the children was having a discussion with their grandmother about things. When their grandmother asked this child something about “home”, the child said that they didn’t have a home. They were either at mum’s or dad’s house. Neither of which they felt was their “home”. The custody arrangement has since changed, which has enabled the child to be able to identify "home". This has seemed to have had a positive impact on the mental health and wellbeing of the child. Separated for 12 months before being able to apply Free Stock photos by Vecteezy To be able to apply for a divorce, you and your ex-spouse need to be separated for 12 months. This includes being separated under the same roof. In this situation, you need to be able to supply proof that you are no longer a couple (no longer sexually active with each other, have separate bedrooms, paying for everything separately). Spouses have 12 months after the date of divorce to claim on assets Free Stock photos by Vecteezy If there are any assets, each party has 12 months after the date of divorce to be able to put a claim through for those assets. Assets can include: superannuation, savings, property, debts, and other items jointly owned by the couple. Getting a divorce is not the end of this relationship if children are involved Free Stock photos by Vecteezy Just because you are no longer in a marriage, the relationship takes on a new dynamic: one of co-parenting. Co-parenting is very difficult, even if both parents have good intentions and mean well. Let’s face it, if you were able to communicate in a healthy way, you probably wouldn’t be considering ending your marriage. Tensions can increase significantly when there are issues regarding the differences in what happens at each house. I remember my child coming home and saying “I’m allowed to do (something) at dad’s house”. At first, I used to get defensive about these types of comments. Then I realised that whatever happens at dad’s house is fine (unless there were things of concern which warranted reports to child protection or contacting police), and I didn’t have any control over what happened there. All I have control over is myself and discussing with my husband how we manage things in our household. Divorce is an emotional rollercoaster Free Stock photos by Vecteezy Getting a divorce does not resolve all of the issues. The other partner can make the process difficult. This can be by delaying the process or having particular “issues” sorted before getting things finalised. Particularly if there have been issues of power, control, and abuse (not just from a man to a woman, but women can also be perpetrators of abuse), the perpetrating partner may continue to inflict coercive control tactics, to make the process as unpleasant as possible. This would be particularly more so if they were not the person who ended the marriage and wanted the divorce. Free Stock photos by Vecteezy One thing is for sure, my husband and I have learned that when there are those niggling things that annoy you that you try to ignore, hoping they will go away, they don’t. They only get bigger and worse as time goes on if left unresolved. However, if you are able to communicate honestly with each other, and you both are willing to listen and respond with respect, genuineness, and unconditional love, situations and people can change for the better.