Apologies can be complicated. We apologise for a number of reasons, mostly to help us feel better for something we have done that may have hurt another person.
When it comes to our kids and divorce, there are so many aspects that are considered when coming to the decision to end a marriage. Receiving an apology from us may not necessarily be what our kids need during this tumultuous time.
Marriage isn’t straight forward
When I got married the first time, I had intended to do everything I could to make it work.
Unfortunately for us, it wasn’t that simple. No matter how much counselling, the number of date nights we had or attempts to discuss our differences, we just weren’t able to get it right. We were married for 18 months, after having been together for 18 months. In total we were together for about 3 years. Our son was 18 months old when we separated.
Life keeps on moving
Fast forward to Mother’s Day this year, 12th May 2019, we had everyone at home: my mother who lives with us; my husband; his two boys from his previous marriage (10 & 8 yo); my son from my first marriage (7yo); and our 3.5year old and our 4 month old sons. It certainly was a full house (and yes, you read correctly – 5 BOYS. I’m not looking forward to when they’re all teenagers).
During the evening meal, (which is a tradition for us that every evening meal is eaten together, unless circumstances prevent it) my eldest biological son stated an observation that I had cried that day. I agreed with him: I had cried sad and happy tears during the day.
My son then stated that if his dad and I ever got married again, he would cry happy tears and run around screaming (with excitement).
My husband and I have been happily married since 2015, and my son’s father is engaged to be married. We have both moved on with our lives.
Separation hurts
When my eldest son was around 3 years old, he started making statements about missing his dad, even though he saw his dad 4 times a week since our separation. Each time he made statements like this, I would give him a big hug and apologise to him for not being able to see his dad every day.
“Would he ever forgive me
for the heartache my decision has caused him”
Family is everything
Family is very important to me, so to hear those words and see my little man express such sorrow and longing would, and still does, break my heart.
Would he ever forgive me for putting him through this heartache?
Support for me
During this tumultuous time of separation and divorce, I attended counselling. I remember mentioning these moments to my counsellor, regarding my apologising to my son, and she said I shouldn’t apologise.
I remember being taken aback by this statement. I remember saying “but it is so hard to see him like this, and it was my decision to leave.”
She questioned me about whether I felt I had made the right decision to end my marriage and I said yes.
She then asked me, “What are you apologising for?”. I explained that I thought I needed to apologise for the way my son felt.
Not everything is my responsibility
My counsellor explained that his feelings were not my responsibility. I hadn’t made him feel this way. His feelings were part of the whole unfortunate situation, and he was allowed to feel them.
However, this did not make me feel any better, or convince me that I shouldn’t be sorry that my actions had a negative ripple effect on him.
What does it mean to say sorry or to apologise?
I then decided to be able to get a better understanding of the words “sorry” and “apology”. I needed to know their true meanings, in hope that I might be able to better understand the feelings I was experiencing when my son confronted me with his anguish.
On dictionary.com, the word “sorry” means “to feel regret, compunction, sympathy, pity; sorrowed, grieved or sad.”
On dictionary.com, the word “apology” means “an expression of one’s regret, remorse or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another.”
My light bulb moment
This is when my light bulb moment struck. In other words, what I was really feeling was a sense of guilt for having failed to give my son the ideal family he deserved.
By me apologising to him , I was taking responsibility for the whole thing.
It takes two to tango
My ex-husband and I really needed to give our son an apology together, as we both played parts in the breakdown of our marriage.
No more apologies
Once I came to this realisation, I stopped apologising to my son. I began to listen to him when he expressed these uncomfortable feelings.
Listen, acknowledge, and normalise
Instead of apologising to him, I began to acknowledge them. I would often say “of course you miss your dad when you’re with me. And, I would imagine, you miss me when you’re with your dad. When we miss each other, it means we love each other.” I would try to normalise these uncomfortable feelings he was experiencing, and try to make sure he felt heard and understood.
Emotion Coaching is the key
This technique of allowing my child to own and name his feelings is known as “emotion coaching.” The term “emotion coaching” is one used by Dr John Gottman. Dr Gottman is an American psychological researcher and clinician. He has done a variety of scientific studies of relationships, those in marriages and parents with their children, to conclude that understanding where the emotion a child was experiencing was coming from, whilst behaving in a problematic way, is what makes good parenting. By helping a child to name their feelings, whether they are uncomfortable or not, assists children to learn to regulate their reactions to the emotions they feel, which is teaching them emotional intelligence.
Dr Gottman has written a book called “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child”. This is a great book to assist parents to help their children to recognise, understand, and regulate their reactions to the emotions they experience.
All emotions are normal
Not only does having emotional intelligence help us to regulate our reactions to our emotions, but it assists us to be able to empathise with others. We learn to have an understanding of how another person may feel in a particular situation.
There is no such thing as a bad emotion. Emotions, such as anger, sadness, frustration, etc, are more difficult to experience than feeling excited or happy for example, due to them feeling uncomfortable. Our society does not help this thinking, as it makes uncomfortable feelings come across as bad, as opposed to being a normal part of being a human being. Society teaches us that these emotions should be kept to ourselves and ignored, particularly for boys and men. It is this thinking which then causes negative reactions when these uncomfortable feelings are experienced.
Feeling heard
My son still continues to make these kinds of statements, as he had on Mother’s Day this year. However, he doesn’t express them as often as he used to.
My interpretation of my son expressing these feelings less tells me that he feels heard and understood, which is what I had been aiming for.
Will he ever forgive me for ending my marriage to his dad?
I really don’t know.
My only hope is that, as he grows up and develops more in depth relationships with his dad and me, that he might see the differences in us and understand why his dad and I were not able to remain together.
I hope that my son might see what healthy relationships should look like, in my current marriage, and in his father’s marriage.
I hope that he is able to learn how to be in a healthy relationship, how to recognise if he is in an unhealthy relationship (either in his own actions or the actions of his partner), and make better choices when he has his turn.