Asking our kids how they are feeling during the process of our divorce is very important: for us as their parents; as well as for our kids.
It helps our kids to know they have someone who is interested in knowing how they are coping, and that they have a safe person to discuss their thoughts and feelings with. It is important for kids to know that they will be listened to with respect, and are able to be honest about how they are feeling.
It also helps us as parents to know how they are travelling: to know whether they require any professional support (for example, counselling) for extra support; to help them to express themselves if they get stuck on how to explain what it is they are feeling; and, inadvertently, to check how we are coping with talking to our kids about our divorce.
Depending on the age and development of our children, this will determine how they understand what is going on, how to ask how they are coping, and also what might be the best way to help them to express themselves about their feelings, particularly the uncomfortable feelings. You want to ensure to give them the opportunity that suits where they are at developmentally, so that you can get as honest an answer as possible.
How should I ask how my kids are coping?
It is important to know how to question our kids about how they are feeling, in a way where they are coming up with the answer themselves. The way to ask questions is a technique called “asking open ended questions”. Asking questions that use the words, How, Why, What, When, Who, and Where, are great first words when asking any questions where you require/want more than a simple yes or no answer.
For example, asking “Are you feeling ok with what’s happening between mum and dad?” may end up with a short “yes” or “no” response. You may then ask “Why do you say that?” and their next answer may be just as simple as “because”.
However, “How are you feeling with what’s happening between mum and dad?” may end up with a short “good” or “bad” answer. This may then lend itself to the next question of “What is making it good?” or “What is making it bad?”. It gives the opportunity for the discussion to flow a bit better, and not feel quite so robotic.
Something else to consider is, how does your child best express themselves. Are they artistic, do they like to have a chat, do they enjoy writing things down, do they like to play etc.
Some ideas to get you started
The following information discusses some ideas that you can use to help your kids express their feelings and questions to ask to help talk about what’s happening for them
This information comes from the Extension University of Missouri.
If your child enjoys drawing, these are some questions you could ask the to get them started:
- What does divorce look like?
- How does divorce make you feel?
- Draw pictures of various feelings, such as anger, sadness or loneliness
- Draw a picture of your family, including anyone you feel is part of your family. Write their names next to each person
- Draw a picture of the homes you live in
- If a genie could grant you one wish related to your family, what would you wish for? Draw a picture of your wish.
- What does a happy family look like?
If your child enjoys talking, these are some questions you might like to ask them:
- How has your life changed since the separation/divorce?
- Why do you think people get married?
- What you think people get divorced?
- What is a happy family like?
- Who do you talk with about the separation/divorce?
- What good has come from the separation/divorce?
- What do you worry about?
- What do you think your life will be like in five (5) years?
- What good qualities does your dad have? Your mum?
- If you could change anything about your life, what would you make different?
If your child is good at writing their feelings down, writing a letter to you or both of their parents, expressing their feelings about the divorce might be helpful. They can write whatever they feel like. They do not have to send the letters if they don’t want to.
Most children love reading with their parents. Reading books which discuss divorce can help children to identify and understand the feelings they may be experiencing about their own situation.
If your child has a creative and artistic flair, they may like to write a story about their situation. They may like to illustrate it with their own pictures or go through a magazine to find pictures for the story. You can offer them to read it to you.
If your child finds it difficult to identify their own feelings, role playing or making puppets (out of old socks, paper bags with faces drawn on them), can be a helpful way to help them to think about how someone else might feel in their situation. This can then assist them in possibly identifying their own feelings about their situation. It might just be a good starting off point. Practice managing difficult situations that come during divorce by acting out scenarios and discussing ways these situations can be handled positively.
Sometimes, it may be easier for your child to talk about sensitive topics, particularly their feelings, when they are occupied in another activity. Playing card games (for example UNO, Snap, Go Fish), might help to take the focus off the conversation, while also giving the opportunity to talk.
Drawing up a personal historical timeline, might be a good technique to use, particularly if your child is anxious about what their future might look like. The following are some instructions to help get you started with this activity:
- Draw a horizontal line on a piece of paper
- Label your child’s birth at one end with a star
- Label the present time somewhere in the middle
- Put all significant events (birth of siblings, getting pets, starting school, moving house, starting school etc)
- Put any events you are aware of that are due to come up in the next 5 years or so (starting high school, moving house etc)
Putting together a time capsule might also be a fun way to capture what’s happening at the moment. You can include photos, answer questions, put newspaper clippings from current newspapers. After a year or two, you can then revisit the time capsule to see how much has changed. The following are some questions to answer to help get you started with this activity:
- Who are your friends?
- Who is part of your family?
- Who will be part of your family in the future?
- Where will you be living in one year? Five years?
- What kinds of things do you like to do?
- What would you like to learn how to do in the future?
- What do you want to be when you grow up?
If you would like any additional information regarding any of these activities, please go to the Extension University of Missouri article, Activities for Helping Children Deal with Divorce.
What should i do if my child mentions being sad or angry or hurt?
As your child expresses their emotions, particularly if they become emotional, always ensure you are encouraging and supportive. Never tell your child “you shouldn’t feel that way.” All feelings are valid and important! It may be good to ask them what they think you can do to help them feel better.
It is important not to ignore your child in their sharing of how they are really feeling. It is important to help your child name their feelings (eg “It sounds like you feel disappointed/hurt/let down/sad”). It is a great opportunity to assist your child to develop their emotional language regarding their feelings.
As discussed in a previous post of mine entitled “Should I apologise to my child for ending my marriage?”, I mention Dr John Gottman. He has a book called “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child”. This is a great resource for parents to learn how to best assist their children to become aware of their emotions and how to express them.
What if my child says they want their other parent and I to get back together?
Some children may say they want you and their other parent to get back together (my husband and I still get asked this by our biological children from our first marriages.) Children will, more often than not, want their parents back together. This is quite a normal wish of children from separated families.
Every child wants to be able to see, every day, the two people they love the most in the whole world: their mum and their dad!
If your child does mention this as something they want to have happen, it is important not to give your child any false hopes. It is important to be realistic and honest, as well as age appropriate and caring towards your child, in your response.
What if talking about this with my child makes me feel uncomfortable or upset?
Before beginning this type of discussion, you need to be ready for whatever your child might say. So you need to make sure you already have good support around you. Having good friends and family who you are able to be completely honest with about how you are coping, is very important.
Going to see a counsellor is also extremely helpful. Friends and family are not always able to be as objective as we may need. This time of your life can be very complicated, overwhelming and a time when you become aware of things you may not have been aware of previously. So it is always a good idea to have someone who is completely objective.
It is ok for you to feel uncomfortable or upset. However, it is important for you not to react in a way that your child may feel they can’t tell you their honest feelings
If you begin to tell them about your own feelings regarding this situation, they may then feel they can’t express how they feel. They may feel they need to protect you from feeling any worse than you may already be feeling.
You need to make this time of questioning a time when you focus on your child, and what is happening for them. If your children do not have enough support during this time in their life, this may cause issues for them later.
Even if you are unable to have these discussions with your child, it is important to engage them with a counsellor, so that they can have a safe place to discuss their feelings.